Don't Blink 2.0

Still the four of us. Always the four of us.  From 2M, 3M, 4M, 5M to 6M; From drawing mazes to drawing comic strips and creating play scripts; From recorder ensemble regionals to becoming national champions; From birthday parties, barbecues, impromptu sleepovers to bars and Christmas' Eve in a club; From Penang Island, to Mainland and later to all around the world; From school mates, classmates, to an inseparable team.  Hard to believe it really has been 10 years, life would be very much different without them. Some things never change, some people never leave, some bonds never break. Thank you for the amazing memories.  P.S.  See you guys again in June. Can't wait. 

2 years ago. From Sheryl, Shuen, Cheeyi and David. If you guys are by any chance reading this, thank you, I love it. Feet dangling in turquoise blue And the late autumn chill comes sifting down Bites, nips at her ankles like little fish. She looks out to the sea, where all Are in their sluggish dreams, dripping with honey lethargy All but the lone seagull who Kept screeching like a blithering idiot Until, tired of the monotony, flies away And silence settles like a heavy blanket. Sunlight gathers in her lap Glittering shards of crystal The tingling warmth A silent companion for her eternal bliss.

The party's just begun I promise this drink is my last one I know I fucked up again 'cause I lost my only friend God forgive my sins Don't leave me I'd hate myself until I die My heart would break without you might not awake without you been hurting low from living high for so long I'm sorry and I love you stay with me Bell Bottom Blue I keep on searching for an answer because I need you more than Dope. This is everything I've been trying to tell you; I didn't change. I was looking for myself and I finally found me, right where I started. This is home, this is where my heart will never leave . This is home, with you.

I swear, these atrociously short three-week long semester breaks have to be made illegal. Three weeks. I won't even have enough time for all the food Penang has to offer, much less the sightseeings I plan on going after being away from home for so long. Basing on the fact that I just flunked a half of my subjects, there's definitely not enough time for my heart and mind to heal from the huge blow. So I've decided to come up with a long list - heck, since when are my lists short? - of things to be done. Hopefully I'll have sufficient time to finish off every puny task by the end of December.  Learn French. Do something to my hair. And my face. I have to bowl, how long has it been? Catching Fire Draft my personal statement Shopping  FOOD. FOOD. FOOD. FOOOOOD. FOOOOOOOOODASDFGUHSIOJLWE. And get fat.  And spend more time with mom. Truth is, there are a lot more on my list but some things are better left untold, don't you agree? P/S: 31 posts

I really shouldn't be here, but if I would ever listen to myself I'll be much more happier than I am right now. But I'm not.  So here goes. If it weren't for the company I had at that moment I would've broken down into tears. I wish I could find words to describe how being depressed felt like, but then who would understand? Or more importantly, who would actually make an effort to understand how I feel? Maybe I'm overreacting again, but yes, sometimes it feels like I give too much just to get nothing in return. But no matter how hard I try to be a better person, I keep failing. I disappoint people. Friends, family, and even myself.  I'm sick of explaining my intentions. I hate misunderstandings. When you're an outcast, you'll always be an outcast. And once a failure, always a failure, too. It's like last year all over again. Getting accused of something you wouldn't do by someone who means so much to you. But it's differ

Just a heads up: I have absolutely no intention to ever stop blogging, I might be irregular but no - I won't let this blog dwell in eternal slumber. It kinda just means more depressing posts to come, okay.  I'm the type of person who gets less worried towards exams and it's not a good thing. Look at me now, blogging away while a pile of work rests by my desk. How threatening. Oh well, I'm prepared for the worst anyway. There is something I wanna get off my chest: I really really really miss my friends. and myself. I anticipated graduation, but right now I'd give anything to go back to last year, to reunite with everyone in school. They say you'll never have friends like high school friends anymore, and that saying is more true than ever. No other friendship can defeat one that has lasted for more than 5 years, that has been through so many obstacles just to stay intact even until seperated. I still love every single fight we've had, every bowl of

Things you dislike about yourself: 1. I put too much pressure on myself 2. My expectations are too high 3. I can't manage my emotions well 4. I have an  unhealthy tendency to belittle myself Things I love about myself:  1. I am disciplined 2. I try as much as I can to stay optimistic 3. Sometimes, I'm just plain awesome Things I did today that are positive: 1. Met new people 2. Reunited with high school friends 3. Enjoyed the YCS session 4. Had some really good almond cake Positive things that you see in others:  1. Positivity 2. Ability to cope well with studies 3. Confidence 4. Skillfulness 5. Effective self-management YCS was really good and I'm glad I accepted the invitation. Ending this with something I learned today:  ALL, is well. 

1. How to stay happy 2. Why am I still alive 3. If I'm ever going to be myself again. I can't find a reason. Please stay.

This just sums it all up. Well, maybe not all, but still what I've always wanted to say but couldn't find the right words to. Fuck the distance.

Be warned, when it comes to writing and organizing thoughts, I'm an absolute sucker. And the amount of times I repeat that statement is just ridiculous. Read, and forget. Ever have the feeling that everyone around you is so much better and you just feel like hiding under the bed and never come out again? When everyone's having a great time in life, enjoying every moment - and you're just blindly stuck at one dead end worrying about the same problems over and over again? Why do I keep feeling that way? Today's Thursday, six days since I'm back home. I'm leaving on Saturday. And what have I done so far? A glance at my to-do list, I see a number of tasks crossed out. But why do I feel like I've done absolutely nothing? I'm so depressed I can't think of anything but to keep studying. It's raining and I hate the rain. Stupid messed up thoughts, I'll get rid of you soon. I want things to change.

Wandering through my sea of thoughts, I stumbled upon a quote I used to always remind myself with:  Everything will be okay in the end. My instinct tells me that things would be very different from now. Since I opted to join a servicing club, I guess hectic schedules are inevitable. Deep down, something tells me I'm going to enjoy every bit of my time. However, the realist in me warns otherwise - to be an all rounder, to balance extra-curricular activities and academics is not an easy task. Time management plays a crucial role. Fail at it and everything could go wrong in every possible way.  I'm scared. But fear is not an enemy, it's a force that pushes us forward to strive and achieve. It is a voice inside our head that whispers the worst but offers the most glorious victory in the end. So it's okay to fear, but don't fear fear.  Embrace it, and sit back for the ride.

We grow up and grow old, trudging through life and learning lessons as we do. Often, we fall and hit ourselves hard, and bruises would leave us questioning ourselves: Have I done this right? Is this the right choice to make? Should I move forward, or turn into another path? Questions like these never guarantee immediate or even right answers and we all know it well. Instead of staying down licking our wounds, we get up, leave our comfort zone to make way for fresh challenges, recreate and reinvent ourselves to fit into the new crowd. It would be a tough transition, they say, and I could never deny it. From home to hostel, every emotional attachment you've had in the past surges back onto you after the first tedious night. You wake up in the morning after a long night of tossing in that unfamiliar bed just to realize nothing will be the same anymore. It could be the start of something amazing, but it just as well might be a pathway down to Hell. Nonetheless, these uncertai

We were walking down the street, now in the depth of winter, covered in snow. You were almost too confident, brushing your shoes on the thick coat of snow as my sight diverged. Anxiety trailed along a thin streak of tear that rolled down my face, and then I lowered my head just to hide it away from you. Our footsteps seemed surreal. Have we walked so far just to part? Why am I always the one who stands and wave? Why does everyone turn away from me? P.S. This was written such a long time ago I forgot what triggered me. I previously thought departing would be easy, when I had nothing to hold on to, and I wanted so badly to leave. Don't get me wrong, I still want it desperately, but would my departure make an impact? Would things still remain the same when I return? C'est la vie. I say, you'll never know if you never try.

From the very bottom of my ventricles, thank you so much for making my day with the intricately planned surprise. I don't know how or where to begin expressing how grateful I am for everything you guys went through to make this happen.  And also to everyone who remembered, on Facebook, on Twitter, by text, by phone, and by mouth - I love you. There's only one last thing to say: I'm fucking legal.

I admit it all the time, I'm not the best person in the universe, and I cannot evade flaws in my words or actions. Thinking back, I offended the wrong people, spoke words I never thought would hurt. And of course, I am truly sorry to whoever was once a victim of my blatancy. The inevitable thing is, some scars are hard to mend. Particularly scars on those who judge you by your past, regardless of who you are now.  I'm glad to have someone close bold enough to remind me once in a while to rethink what I did and what I'm doing with my life. I let the wrong people in, and push away the right ones. Sometimes it feels as if I'm about to be sucked into a vortex of despair, but as much as I'm sure it will kill me, I loosen my grip and plunge towards my demise. By then I would still be telling myself it's the right thing to do. Just so I can fall asleep at night. Now I'm rethinking. Why do I keep throwing myself into an empty space? Because I'm ex

 This is Dave Franco, James Franco's younger brother, portraying Jack Wilder.   This is Jesse Eisenberg, who played Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network. He stars as J. Daniel Atlas.  I guess Rotten Tomatoes has logical reasons to rate the film as 'rotten' because under the super cool distracting holographic effects and mind boggling abracadabras, lies only a scattered plot. Although on second thought, some unresolved suspense might lead to a sequel in the near future. It may be a downer for most critics but for audiences it's definitely watch-worthy.  Personally, a 7.5 out of 10 for the unexpected plot twist and brilliant special effects, which easily qualify as some pleasant eye candy for the day. "The closer you look, the less you'll see." On a side note, my Sunday was well spent. 

Here's a simple confession to make: I'm afraid.  But I'm not. I'm not afraid of being afraid. At least, it's proof that I'm still sane and still alive. Fear can be transformed into strength, because it's like a hurdle - when you've mustered enough energy to jump over your boundaries, you'll land back on track to finish the long race. Fear will not take over me. I will land on the other side. I will retrieve what I rightfully deserve, I'm sure.

Undeniably, scholarships and I tend to have rather... complicated relationships. The first one I applied for (and a quite prestigious one for heaven's sake) didn't qualify because reckless little me missed out one of the application procedures. I'm still beating myself up for that. And then there was Taylor's Principal Awards where I was awarded with 10 thousand MYR worth of tuition wee waiver for selected Pre-University Courses. Considering my current financial abilities, I turned it down because as honoured as I am to be holding a TPA, the remaining uncovered fees (not to mention living costs) were still far from what my family could afford. I didn't get the PETRONAS scholarship, neither did I make it to the 3rd stage of Yayasan Khazanah (YK). I say, failures are a sign of you're getting closer to what you want, so let's rejoice.  Back to where I started, I was about to write about what I've learned during the interview processes of YK - Stag

"When I look back on my life, it's not that I don't want to see things exactly as they happened. It's just that I prefer to remember them in an artistic way. And truthfully, the lie of it all is much more honest because I invented it. Clinical psychology tells us arguably that trauma is the ultimate killer. Memories are not recycled like atoms and particles in Quantum Physics, they can be lost forever. It's sort of like my past is an unfinished painting, and as the artist of that painting, I must fill in all the ugly holes and make it beautiful again. It's not that I've been dishonest, it's just that I loathe reality."

I have came down to the point where I am so bored that I decided to blog about the one thing I couldn't care any less about: Politics. On second thought, boredom might not be the reason at all, because everything that has been happening around doubtlessly stirs riot across the country, it's not strange that even I am starting to keep up with the news. I admit I don't know politics much  at all, and I'm definitely in no place to define who's politically right or wrong, but all I know is I see how badly intoxicated the politicians are by the fear of being defeated. And I have to say, these undying news updates are surprisingly riveting, so I guess it's a pretty good start for a layman like me to get to know politics, thanks to GE13.  Come to think of it, studying History has it's perks. Remember Dato Onn Jaafar? He was one of my favourite politicians to read about in the subject, simply because I think he's a natural leader and not to mention a rar

From my old blog:  We shouldn't worry about anything at all, because everything will fall into place in the end no matter what happens. Things are going to work out for us. If it doesn't, we'll just have to hold on and bear with it for a while. All we need is patience, and the ability to stay calm. Changing my mindset automatically brings forth my life to a new level. And I realized it's all about feeling comfortable in your own skin, feeling truly confident about yourself but not to overreact when praises are given. Not to be beaten up by criticism and sarcasm, either. I'm a walking example of how our emotions channel our daily lives and choices we make and how we react on matters. Since it worked on me, I'm sure everyone's day could be brighter if they would choose be more optimistic, because recently all I see are rants and pointless laments floating around my computer screen. Come on people, life's brief candle. If you don't live it now you&#

The last thing I need is my old self back, but unfortunately some things in life are unavoidable. I'm trying the best that I can to cheer myself up after the nonsensical fight, but you just keep dragging me into depression. What did I do to deserve this?  Sheesh, I warned you not to fucking trigger my switch. And all of a sudden lines that I've long forgotten like "I hate myself so much" , "I wish I could just die and forget everything" and "Someone kill me please" are pushing their way out of my subconscious mind again. That side of me, that I've kept dormant for almost a year, is gradually resurfacing. I'm on the verge of destruction once again, just like old times. I can feel the heat building up, from my lungs to my throat and up to my head I might just blow off. My mind is a mess, I can't think straight and I hate it. I'm losing my rationality all because I care too much.  I've always hated crying. The only

Greek Mythology (I can't imagine what I'd do without it) Perfectionism Worrying over puny things Chocolate and peanut butter Jodi Picoult Crammed schedules Sarcastic jokes. Oops. Singing

From my old blog:    What is self-compassion? What does it mean exactly? Self-compassion entails three core components. First, it requires self-kindness , that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity , feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness —that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it. We must achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate. This means that unlike self-esteem, the good feelings of self-compassion do not depend on being special and above average, or on meeting ideal goals. Instead, they come from caring about ourselves—fragile and imperfect yet magnificent as we are. Rather than pitting ourselves against other people in an endless compa

From my old blog: The human mind is a scary place. And even I can't get into my own thoughts. I sense something wrong, but I don't know what it is. There isn't a symptom or anything blatant that categorizes the feeling. Beneath billions of wrinkles and neurons, lurks something so unfathomable I'm intimidated by myself. I'm caged in a corpse, a body that is not mine, with an estranged soul. So, what has become of me? Ever have the feeling that your brain is replaced by thousands of inflated balloons, each and every one constantly expanding at the same time? And in those balloons, instead of helium gas, are screams echoing out from nowhere. Mindless, pointless screams piercing through your skull trying to break free into thin air. They fly around like asteroids, colliding with each other.  I'm really afraid. But of what? I'm not sure myself. There are times like this, when I feel like a wimp, because my dreams always seemed almost impossible

From my old blog: This will not be a negative post. I am feeling very, very poetic and nostalgic. When was my first blog post? I wonder, if I were to read back on everything that I've ever written - will I be laughing at the end? Or will I be utterly disgusted by my lack of maturity and constant emotional flip outs back then? If it weren't for the vast blogosphere, my languages would not have been as powerful as they are now. But perhaps 'powerful' isn't the most suitable word, they're only decent, I guess. My days in high school are numbered. I thought I would feel upset but I was so wrong, because excitement and delight is all I feel at this very moment. I don't think I'll have any regrets leaving the school. This year was indeed my best year. Each day granted me an opportunity to grow and learn and become a better person. Though mistakes are still inevitable. Apparently the downsides of life has taught me to always be optimistic. A

 Then-  What's done is done. I will never forget that mini heart attack I got when I saw the asterisk beside my name, how my fingers trembled when I was asked to leave a signature. It could have been my imagination, but every anticipating stare from the crowd cut through my skin like daggers. In those mere seconds before receiving my results I have pictured disappointed faces, eyes that couldn't bear to look at me for one last time, but they might have been mine because I had put my hopes up too high. Murphy's Law existed for a reason. And sometimes I just hope people would just shut up and understand instead of exclaiming, 'I don't even know what you're worried about!' . Why wouldn't I be worried? I spewed forth extravagant promises, only to realize then that I don't give enough to deserve what I hoped for. I was about to have a taste of my own sick perfectionism. So I'll be blaming my high expectations, as always.  Then again, even the

 We all know this day was going to come. Three weeks of mindless cramming, a month of disorganized sleep cycles and study tables, and it all comes down to this one day. Working has managed to put my mind off of the cruel grasp of reality for a while, yet it's all coming back now. I'm terrified, devastated, and psyched all at the same time. I guess that's the thing about us Geminis, our forever messy thoughts. What if I don't get what I deserve? What if I can't handle the truth? I didn't do my best. I was being the over-confident jerk like I have always been. Patience? I have none.  I'm always uncertain of the next step. I just wish that day would come faster. I'm tired of guessing and waiting and torturing myself. The wait is devouring me, pieces by pieces, in and out.

There are many things that make dead bodies preferable to live ones: They don't have facial expressions, so there's no worry about mistaking a smile for a smirk, or any of that nonsense. They don't get bored if you're hogging the conversation. They don't care if you stand too close of too far away. They don't talk about you when you leave the room, or tell their friends how annoying you are. P.S. In my case, machinery. - If I know I feel it, that's what counts. Don't you ever look at someone who's hysterical in public and wonder if it's because they really feel miserable or because they want others to know they're miserable? It kinda dilutes the emotion if you display it for the whole world to see. - Jacob Hunt

I was eleven, fifth grade.  He was still alive and well, as fit as he could ever be. He had a lovely family, a beautiful son they'd just welcomed. It was that festive time of the year again and so we would visit. It was an annual thing ever since the boy was born. At the airport, their faces when they finally meet again made me envious. He was thirty. That night, fireworks rose from the garden. I was only a few feet away, staring right at the empty can of coke they used as a stand. A lighted matchstick went near the tip of a firecracker stick, and instantly sparks flew. The cracker made a sound as it shot upwards and into the distant darkness, then bright lights danced across the sky. It was amazing and I was amazed. The night sky came to life for the first time in my life. The light patterns were far more different and realistic than what I've seen before on television shows. I was too little to comprehend what the adults were discussing about amidst t

Being as unbiased as I could ever possibly be, I have to ask: Isn't it only right if manners work both ways?    I don't understand my parents.  I don't mean it in a rebellious way, but it's so true. I do not comprehend their emotions, I can't translate their anger into sense, I can't put myself in their shoes and live in their thoughts. Trust me, I've tried. And tried. And tried again. Take the following as an example: Me: (asking cautiously) Hey mom, are you kinda - going to be free after the haircut this weekend? Her: (Looking at me cynically) Didn't you just tell me you wanted to shop? I thought we agreed on that? Me: Yeah, exactly. I was thinking of heading over to*name of a mall*. Can I? Her: (tone raised) No. I've got grocery shopping to do. We're going to the market. (turns and walks away) Me: WHAT? Really, I can't imagine how I'd live with this everyday. It's unnerving. I can be entirely myself in front of m

"One," she spoke aloud to herself as she had the day she defeated the Jabberwocky , "there is a potion that can make you shrink." "Two: there is cake that can make you grow." She paused briefly, details of her adventure had been ebbed away in the time she had returned, and only came to her in sleep. She tried to make herself remember what came next. "Three," she hesitated, "Animals can talk." "Four, cats can disappear." She felt a bit more confident now. After remembering four, the last two couldn't possibly be too difficult. "Five, there is a place called Wonderland," she paused briefly, glancing at her reflection in a looking glass, "and number six, I can slay the Jabberwocky!"

The title perfectly describes my time away from the blogosphere. For some reasons I seem to be blogging lesser day by day. It might be the lack of inspiration, or lack of motivation. But as if I didn't know this day would come any sooner. And to think that I used to blog everyday some 4 years ago, hmm, must have been way too bored then. I would absolutely be lying if I make a stupid promise again that I'll blog more frequently, yada yada yada. So I'm just going to say, I hope inspiration strikes me soon enough to let me blog like I used to. 'Though my initial plans to improve my vocabulary were seemingly (temporarily) put off, all thanks to my rather packed schedule and endless list of to-dos. I mean, come on, it's Chinese New Year season - I've got shopping to do. Speaking of which, isn't it time to spring clean my room already? Lately (as in since SPM ended) I've been eliminating loads and loads of rubbish collected over my innocent , okay, IGNOR

Stepping into the 18th year of my life is frightening yet exciting.  I know it will be. 2013 is a huge turning point, and like all other challenges I've faced, I'm going to greet it with a big smile. I can't wait for the surprises along the way, can't wait to see what life has in store for me in a brand new life. I'm excited about the variety of people I'll meet, and things I'll be able to learn from my mistakes. One more thing, I hope what I'll go through this year doesn't change who I am. I'm content with who I am now. May the past be left behind, may only the good times stay forever, may the future shower me with glorious victories. MMXIII, I am born anew!