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Reconsideration

I admit it all the time, I'm not the best person in the universe, and I cannot evade flaws in my words or actions. Thinking back, I offended the wrong people, spoke words I never thought would hurt. And of course, I am truly sorry to whoever was once a victim of my blatancy. The inevitable thing is, some scars are hard to mend. Particularly scars on those who judge you by your past, regardless of who you are now. 

I'm glad to have someone close bold enough to remind me once in a while to rethink what I did and what I'm doing with my life. I let the wrong people in, and push away the right ones. Sometimes it feels as if I'm about to be sucked into a vortex of despair, but as much as I'm sure it will kill me, I loosen my grip and plunge towards my demise. By then I would still be telling myself it's the right thing to do. Just so I can fall asleep at night.

Now I'm rethinking.

Why do I keep throwing myself into an empty space? Because I'm expecting someone to reach out and grab me, to keep me from hitting the stone cold floor. But I guess that someone was never really there, it's just me and my hallucinations all the while.

Karma works in strange ways I cannot perceive. Or maybe I should give it a little more time. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving way too much than what I receive in turn, and it makes me wanna give up trying. But then again if I stop trying, guilt will overthrow me. I'll cave in so easily when I know I hadn't done my best when I actually can. So in the end I've always assumed that my feelings aren't important, that it's always best if I just go along with everyone else until their needs are satisfied. Well, as long as they're happy. Dumb, no?

"Do you realize they couldn't care less about you?" 

Yes, I do.

"Why do you still torture yourself like this?"

Because I feel better knowing that I'm still capable of putting myself in their shoes. I still care about them enough to put them before myself. The ability to care, it's exactly what society has been skinned of. What I'm doing makes me realize that I'm not self-conceited anymore. They can't see it but I can, and I'm giving myself the recognition I deserve. 

Sorry about the unorganized paragraphing. I really don't know where to start or end. How about you tell me, am I still doing the right thing?

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