Sleepless Nights

I really shouldn't be here, but if I would ever listen to myself I'll be much more happier than I am right now.

But I'm not. 

So here goes.

If it weren't for the company I had at that moment I would've broken down into tears. I wish I could find words to describe how being depressed felt like, but then who would understand? Or more importantly, who would actually make an effort to understand how I feel? Maybe I'm overreacting again, but yes, sometimes it feels like I give too much just to get nothing in return. But no matter how hard I try to be a better person, I keep failing. I disappoint people. Friends, family, and even myself. 

I'm sick of explaining my intentions. I hate misunderstandings.

When you're an outcast, you'll always be an outcast. And once a failure, always a failure, too.

It's like last year all over again. Getting accused of something you wouldn't do by someone who means so much to you. But it's different this time. It's worse.

I wish I wasn't human, I wish I wasn't so easily wavered by my emotions, I wish my emotions would remain dormant for as long as I want. But from a different perspective, I'm glad I'm emotional sometimes, because that's one way of proving that I still care. And it's worth everything I have to go through.

I count the times I apologized, the times I try my best to overlook your flaws. Because who am I to tell you you're wrong? I can't even save myself, let alone judge anyone else.

It's getting late, and I can feel my headache coming back. All I know is no matter how hard I try, I suck at being a friend. 

You won't forgive me. I will never forgive myself either.

Good night. 

I wish I was dead.