Signs of Weakness

The last thing I need is my old self back, but unfortunately some things in life are unavoidable. I'm trying the best that I can to cheer myself up after the nonsensical fight, but you just keep dragging me into depression. What did I do to deserve this? 

Sheesh, I warned you not to fucking trigger my switch.

And all of a sudden lines that I've long forgotten like "I hate myself so much", "I wish I could just die and forget everything" and "Someone kill me please" are pushing their way out of my subconscious mind again. That side of me, that I've kept dormant for almost a year, is gradually resurfacing. I'm on the verge of destruction once again, just like old times. I can feel the heat building up, from my lungs to my throat and up to my head I might just blow off. My mind is a mess, I can't think straight and I hate it. I'm losing my rationality all because I care too much. 

I've always hated crying. The only crying I give myself permission to is over fictional situations, like after movies or over deaths of characters in books (That brings us back to Zoe Nightshade, aw man). But one stupid thing about me, is that I cry when I'm frustrated over an argument. For all that I care, crying is nothing but a sign of incompetence and weakness. Some may say crying is the best and quickest method to heal your pain because it's a way of venting out your feelings instead of burying them. No. It's a totally irrelevant excuse people use to make themselves feel good about exposing their Achilles' Heel to the world, or in other words, just to show everyone else how vulnerable and fragile they are upon defeat. Trusting someone else with your weakness is probably one of the dumbest things you can ever do. 

This is why I force myself to keep talking even when I cry. I'm not the one in fault, and because of that I will need my mind to steer clear of emotions and think straight. I don't show weakness, I am not admitting defeat. My tears just roll down without me knowing, and by the time I notice them, my face would always be wet through. I get so sick of literally choking on my own words when I still have so much to say. Sometimes I really wish there was an off button for the valves, just to prevent these recurring ugly sights. 

I cry when I'm not supposed to, and I don't when everybody else does in a reasonable event to cry. Nonetheless, I can't change anything. People look at me as if I'm made of rock because when they cry I would usually stand and stare blankly. I'm not emotionless. I feel the reluctance of parting in farewell parties, I feel the disappointment after being defeated in a competition we've put so much effort into, but I just can't feel enough to let me break into tears. And maybe that's what makes me the odd one out. 

I didn't want to post about this in the first place because the misunderstanding felt like a puny matter I could easily brush off my shoulders in a few hours. Things weren't that easily resolved, however, and I should have known better. Next time the same thing happens again I'll stay silent and let your overwhelming ego devour you. In the mean time, let's hope I stay sane.