Skip to main content

Consume Me

From my old blog:
The human mind is a scary place. And even I can't get into my own thoughts. I sense something wrong, but I don't know what it is. There isn't a symptom or anything blatant that categorizes the feeling. Beneath billions of wrinkles and neurons, lurks something so unfathomable I'm intimidated by myself. I'm caged in a corpse, a body that is not mine, with an estranged soul. So, what has become of me?

Ever have the feeling that your brain is replaced by thousands of inflated balloons, each and every one constantly expanding at the same time? And in those balloons, instead of helium gas, are screams echoing out from nowhere. Mindless, pointless screams piercing through your skull trying to break free into thin air. They fly around like asteroids, colliding with each other. 

 I'm really afraid. But of what? I'm not sure myself. There are times like this, when I feel like a wimp, because my dreams always seemed almost impossible. When you put your expectations a little too high, sometimes what you get in return is a bucket full of despair.

26th August 2012.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Yayasan Khazanah: First & Second Stage

Undeniably, scholarships and I tend to have rather... complicated relationships. The first one I applied for (and a quite prestigious one for heaven's sake) didn't qualify because reckless little me missed out one of the application procedures. I'm still beating myself up for that. And then there was Taylor's Principal Awards where I was awarded with 10 thousand MYR worth of tuition wee waiver for selected Pre-University Courses. Considering my current financial abilities, I turned it down because as honoured as I am to be holding a TPA, the remaining uncovered fees (not to mention living costs) were still far from what my family could afford. I didn't get the PETRONAS scholarship, neither did I make it to the 3rd stage of Yayasan Khazanah (YK). I say, failures are a sign of you're getting closer to what you want, so let's rejoice.  Back to where I started, I was about to write about what I've learned during the interview processes of YK - Stag...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Am (Not)

Sometimes I am calm like the first ray of sunlight at dawn shimmering upon the sea. And sometimes, when I am not I am   a raging tempest tearing shores apart I am an earthquake  still and cold as I watch them crumble to dust I am the devouring fire from a dragon's breath searing the night, and lighting up the sky  - a burning red. I am the burn  that lingers in your eyes when you wake up  from crying yourself to sleep; The throbbing pain in your head from losing count of Jamesons you drowned in. Sometimes I am calm but sometimes, when I'm not - nessun dorma.
Post a Comment
Read more

-

Can you believe it's been more than a year? So much has changed since then, and yet it all feels so familiar. They say the delight you reap from chasing after your dreams is the euphoria and the sweet nectar of satisfaction, the joy within from seeing the ones you love and cherish grow along with you, and the happiness in yourself knowing that no matter what you do - they will always have your back. I always thought that was true. Hell, I knew it was true because I felt it at some point. I felt impenetrable from so much trust and foothold that came from around me. Maybe it was the fatigue after the sweet rush of sugar had faded, maybe it's just me losing control or losing sight of what really matters, but things kept spiraling downwards and downwards and now I don't even know if there's an end to this tunnel anymore. I would say I wish things were different, but honestly, I don't think there's any more space left for hope in me. It's okay, my heart...
Post a Comment
Read more