Don't Blink 2.0

It's kinda funny when I look back on all my previous New Year posts. I'd list things that I would do throughout the year, and then live another 12 months to realise that I failed miserably again and again. So yeah, well, no more resolutions this time. 2014 was one of its kind, a simple and uneventful one. It wasn't phenomenal or fun-filled; but it wasn't all dark and depressing either. It came all too fast, and now it's gone in a blink. A few things to remember and to be thankful for: 1307 G13 - Peepul I have honestly never been in a class with people who are so different from each other, and I slowly came to appreciate how even though we're different, we stuck together from the beginning to the end. That alone, is amazing. Put the oddest bunch of kids together for a year and a half, I promise you'll be surprised. Also not to mention, Langkawi Class Trip!!! CAL Prom Night: Regalias My first prom ever! Spent a bomb but it w

My bones ache In your absence. My fingers hurt From being clenched around pillows That I wish were you. I'd wake up everyday Two hundred miles away from your kisses huddle in bed and miss you more. I wish you were here Arms around me Stroking my hair While I gaze into your eyes And feel my lungs burn. I miss you, I miss you With every breath With every single beat of my heart.

   It all still seems so surreal like a dream your breath in my ear your skin against mine our fingers perfectly intertwined and when our eyes meet the galaxies cease to spin. And at that very moment, my darling, we  are infinite.

I had a feeling September was going to be pretty awesome.  And I guess it really is. :)

I'm okay. I'm not stuck to my seat all day cramming too much irrelevant crap into my collapsing cranium. I'm okay. my scapula does not hurt from bearing over my humerus weights of fear and unprecedented woes. There's a noose around my neck too close for comfort and my body hangs by a single thread. And yet, my knees are still intact my vertebrae straight as I stand and my ribs aren't broken although my lungs burn bit by bit, with every passing second. Still, I'm okay. Because really, I could be  feeling a lot worse.

...and this has me written all over it.

I think I've finally taken these masks That I've been wearing for too long off. And for once In a very long time I have never felt quite prettier. Thank you.

I don't think anyone could ever understand how messed up and tangled my thoughts become when I'm sad and depressed. I fear, and I fear fatuously of things that are out of my control. And when I do, a thousand voices haunt me in my head, and they intertwine and overwhelm me. Until I couldn't breathe. Until all I could do is cough and gasp for air. I wonder if anyone else feels that way, to be suffocated by their own thoughts. And it all starts when I'm back in my room, enclosed by walls. White for pessimism, gray for bleakness, and finally, blue for melancholy.  And that's the thing. I can't hide my emotions away from people and I hate it. I hate how people can just read my expressions so easily and that I'm no different from an open book. That's just it. I didn't choose to be morbid and emotional. I never asked for the twisted privilege of being able to overthink and overreact to almost everything that happens to me. I never wanted to be

There were nights when thunder bellowed through the windows and raindrops fell like silver coated darts she sat in bed, covers drawn lost in thought. There were nights when the shadows stirred nostalgia seeped through the ceilings and cascade  down the bedroom walls. Her nightmares haunted ghosts from her grotesque past faces she vowed to never see again. She would wake up  her screams echoing the room darkness fills her lungs limbs, too painful to move. Outside, street lights would not stop flickering the stars  were nowhere to be seen. And the night sky  a phantom black looming over her scars would soon devour her heart.

Failed attempts and contemplation disarray of thoughts the pen awaits the warmth of a grip the parchment lays alone and bare. You shall not, you shall never, The hissing wind singes my mind a gelid tone that stings my spine, and I tremble - compelled to cower, too terrified to blink. But hopes are merely hopes void, forever, of sense and prudence yet clad in appalling nescience benighted souls look for their insignificant dreams. So through meandering thoughts I shall wade when I let my curtains down and unnamed ghouls aimlessly wander  down the silent boulevard.

It's that time of the year again. To the awesomest 1307G13: Thank you, guys. I truly felt blessed and honoured to have classmates like all of you. Thank you for making my first prom better than everything I imagined, and for making the night so memorable. I'm sorry the initial plan couldn't work though, but what you guys did was more than enough. The cake was delicious, I love it. Jee, Eena, Rouyi and Kaihui: Thank you for making me a tiny part of the house, haha. It was truly a surprise, the lovely crepe cake and the gift. And also thanks for bringing me around town on my birthday. Ramen was great, Pavillion was even better. To everyone else who remembered: Thank you, this is the best birthday that I've had. Never heard so many birthday songs in one night. Never had two cakes in one birthday. I finally had a chance to wander around downtown. Everything was breathtaking.  Merci bien, mes amis. The best class ever.

"Caress the one, the never fading rain in your heart - the tears of snow white sorrow Caress the one, the hiding amaranth in the land of the daybreak..." Too often, I do not remember that I am on my own Cocooned in unending doubt hanging to a soul woven with  bitter irony. Often, Faces would overwhelm me strangling me, until I am out of breath. Then I remember to breathe again when I'm alone. Sometimes, I hear the ocean - Sea foam strumming the shoreline A lulling, bittersweet symphony. But In this labyrinth of thoughts where emotions engulf at every turn, Never have I tried to run. And I will never, ever know why I would not set myself free.

I'm not saying that A-levels is boring or anything, but really, it zombifies a person so badly. By that I mean Sisyphean routines and overly packed schedules, and being a Gemini, I'm not a fan. My rather obvious point is: this life that I've been living out of home for almost a year could actually be better. Well, I have my own room, a new environment, new places to explore and so many cool things to do, the only thing holding me back is the workload. I could totally throw my homework aside and just roam around town everyday, but as much as I'd love to, I'm not that kind of person. I just want my life back. For once I would like to do something I love and not just study all day. Things I'm gonna do after securing total liberation: 1. Learn French 2. Pick up a new instrument (Guzheng, or the Saxophone since I still remember a little.) 3. Yoga 4. Greek Mythology 5. Egyptian Mythology 6. The Vampire Diaries. Season 5. 7. Read non-fiction and not gi

The night is a canvas turbulence, the safflower oil you were the abyss I fell into; the echoes beneath the soil. I have lost my mind searching for you in the cold, musty dark I have longed for your touch the tingling warmth that would deftly heal my scars. Who are you? my blemishes fade, my unbearable flaws  stroked away by your brush I am new, and now I am yours. Are you van Gogh? or are you Munch? my skin quivers; the silver clair de lune but I will only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude.

Discovered this little personality test, took me twenty five minutes to finish all 100 questions on the questionaire. I would say it's fairly accurate, judging by my results I seem to possess a moderate amount of every trait. I don't know if it's a bad thing or a good thing. But I definitely need to work on managing stress and yeah, be more patient (although I wouldn't want to take the odds on this one). Oh yes my poor persuasiveness, too. Nonetheless the test was well worth the time, everyone go try!

I've always felt like I'm constantly standing on a brink, a verge of life that determines my ultimate fate. Who I choose to become, the decisions I make, the principles that I uphold would greatly alter my course. And I keep reminding myself to be extra cautious. This is the problem, now:  I don't know who I am.  I have lived through 19 years trying to figure out what purpose I serve and where exactly I belong. All this while, am I making correct choices or am I just too blinded to realise my mistakes? I'm lost, I admit. I cry myself to sleep every night, and wake up just as troubled. It doesn't change. I have so many flaws that I try to fix everyday but they never seem to heal, so many broken pieces that I try to mend but they won't fall into place. I just keep falling apart, falling apart, falling apart. Nothing ever changes. But I believe in perfection. Always have, always will. I believe humans are continuously in search of a perfect place. A s

But worry about courage, worry about cleanliness, worry about efficiency,  worry about horsemanship. 

1 Let them stare, s he thought to herself. She could feel the burn down her spine everywhere she turned. There would be skeptical looks from behind, people leaning into each others' ears pretending they're not trying to get a glimpse of this oddity. But she didn't care. She couldn't hear them and she surely didn't want to. All she needed was her headphones, her favourite playlist, and her secret sanctuary. 2 That morning was strangely sunny, in fact, a little too pleasant for her liking. The kind of weather where girls of her age would slip into their lovely little sundresses habitually and sit in the park. They would tell each other about all the cute boys who passed their hallways yesterday, who they could remember their last names as well as their first. Anna, 15, still in her silk black night gown, still groggy from waking up halfway through a dream (and mind you, it was a nice one). She shifted from her usual routine, turning into the porch - inst

Albert Einstein   — ' Out of clutter ,  find simplicity . From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.' P.S. Last minute prayers and silly vows won't help now. May Lady Athena be with me.

I  have reached the point in my life where  I feel nothing but bleakness. Waking up  to screeching alarms and staring into the mirror at an estranged, deformed reflection. Silently trudging  amid the hustling crowd where no one would notice  I would be just the way I want to be. I breathe in meticulously not to make a single sound. I watch the world drift by brushing my skin. As I  remain still and solitary in this  ever moving world. P.S. Happy Birthday Ken, Happy Birthday cw.

Thoughts gathered over the week. (This post is completely irrelevant, I just keep getting an urge to update.) 1. The thing about people, is that they regret.  How many times have you said 'what the heck, fuck this' just to do something that you know isn't worth your time? Why regret when you could've actually done something to make sure things fall into the right place? When they didn't, you desperately search for excuses to cover up the mess you've made. You tell the world that you regret. Why regret, when you should know this is what you deserve? It's high time I start putting effort into my goals. Let others be my guide, my reminder that nothing comes free. Give and take. The more you give, the more you reap. Shuning, stay focused! 2. Trust is the most fragile thing ever. Some of us had to learn it the hard way. To have your heart smashed on the floor, shattered, and then you're expected to pick yourself up. I thought it was cruel t

Swipe to unlock , I read in my head as my thumb strokes across the slightly scratched surface of the phone. Well placed right below the time display on my home screen, is a countdown widget. It was there since three weeks ago, when I realized how little time I have left until trials, and ever since my semester break ended I swore over a few times that I would put more effort into my work this semester. I would not disappoint myself and people who expect something of me. If I did it once, I can do it again. But look at me now. Procrastinating every minute, every second of the day; letting time go to waste. I couldn't hate myself any more right now. So this is it. I'm ending this because I'm done with slacking. Yes, I apologize to myself for the incompetence I displayed for the previous weeks and I shall be motivated once again. Trials are 53 days away. No time is to be wasted, this is an oath. Determination and discipline can work wonders.  Back to my regular

Now I know, all it takes for someone to leave is to completely trust them. It's okay, time will mend the gap. But how long, until I live again?

Unlike other years, 2013 went by a little too quickly. Everything happened unexceptionally fast, and now look, it's a brand new year already. I've been deprived of inspirations lately, so having no idea what to write, I'll just ramble and rant until something decent comes along. Recovering from the post-finals hustle and after the Sunway Lagoon trip I never really made an effort to elaborate, I began my first job ever. The first four months of the year were well spent exploring a mall I never really paid attention to and getting to know people of different ages. Learning was the fun part, especially from professionals who worked with me. Yet the best part of work was always break time with a lovely bunch of people, although we didn't really had a lot of food choices back then, there were definitely a lot of precious moments. Then came results. The following months were filled with college applications and interviews which I kind of enjoyed the experiences gained. An