Don't Blink 2.0

Moon's high, light's low. I'm sitting in my bed and thinking. About things. I've been doing a lot of sitting and thinking lately. Almost all the time my mind wanders off into space, and my heart starts sinking deeper and deeper into a void. This void, this blackness of a cavern. Funny enough, I know what it is and where it came from.  I ask myself the same question everyday, over and over, until it hurts to even mentally mouth the words: Why am I here in this messed up world? What have I done (or not done) to be forced to internalise so much pain and injustice? How can people live as though they belong when they've done so many others wrong? And most importantly, am I overthinking this yet again?  There was a point in time where I had so much hope in me my eyes gleamed. My blood burned bright red and my veins lit up like fireworks. Every single day, I felt like an infinite surge of electricity was coursing through me and that anything that I touched woul...

Can you believe it's been more than a year? So much has changed since then, and yet it all feels so familiar. They say the delight you reap from chasing after your dreams is the euphoria and the sweet nectar of satisfaction, the joy within from seeing the ones you love and cherish grow along with you, and the happiness in yourself knowing that no matter what you do - they will always have your back. I always thought that was true. Hell, I knew it was true because I felt it at some point. I felt impenetrable from so much trust and foothold that came from around me. Maybe it was the fatigue after the sweet rush of sugar had faded, maybe it's just me losing control or losing sight of what really matters, but things kept spiraling downwards and downwards and now I don't even know if there's an end to this tunnel anymore. I would say I wish things were different, but honestly, I don't think there's any more space left for hope in me. It's okay, my heart...

You told me You could see galaxies spiraling in my eyes that I was the silver trail of moonlight in your darkest night. I tore my walls down and grew a garden that bloomed into vivid colours so we could dance among the flowers. Heaven once felt so seamless until it began to crack and all the stars we counted faded into black. It's funny how when you're sprawled helplessly on the ground gasping for air the deafening silence sets in; you can hear your heart shatter and your soul dissolves into the bloody red mess that is you.

Once every long while, I'll get so overwhelmed by thoughts that I end up trying to articulate them here. Sometimes I succeed, other times I stare at my blank screen and resort to giving up after some 30 minutes of idle fumbling on the keyboard. But here I am again now, and hello once more. Settling down in a city far from home has been quite the thrill and less terrifying because after all I've grown so much since I last experienced the same transition. I wouldn't say it has been completely easy or smooth-sailing, but it is definitely worthwhile. Every second that I've spend working my way to get to this place, this time in my life - where I am now validates my efforts, big or small. Everyday I wake up being thankful for everything that I have and that is around me. It's all worth the wait. Scratch all of that. That's shit. We all know I don't talk about these things. The deep, dark, morbid thoughts - that's who I really am. Life's purpo...

I wish the echoes would stop ringing. In my mind. In my mind. My mind. Nothing escapes the labyrinth of these tangled emotions. There is no way out. No way out. Does the pain ever leave? Not at all. Not at all.

You know you screwed up when you look into his eyes and see nothing but disappointment. The moment he stands up and walks out the door, you feel a wave of guilt and void hit you right in the face. The realization that all you've ever done is drive everyone else away from you and when someone offers to care for you unconditionally, you whimper and cower away. I held on to the thought that we're different from the rest. That we're perfect for each other because we compliment each others' flaws. Where I was insecure and worried, you are the radiant pillar of strength that I would draw confidence and comfort from. You have always managed to fill the emptiness in me, and I felt so complete. You are the perfect, beautiful soul that you are, when I have countless of flaws that needed fixing. All I needed was for you to be patient. Little did I know that this bliss would be short-lived, and distance is the single most painful thing to endure when you love someone this much....

This numbness again the wound in your conscience when it hurts so much you don't want to feel anymore. I am everywhere in the stale air you breathe. I will gnaw at your bones and never let go.  Because I'm a tumour. Deeper, and deeper I will grow until I kill you.

It has been an awful long while since the last time I found myself sitting in front of my laptop, wanting nothing else but some peace and alone time. All this while I've been occupied, physically and mentally, so much that letting myself sink into thoughts seemed like a little too much to ask for. Right now less than 24 hours before I get on a plane and embark on a journey unknown, words are flowing, thoughts that I haven't had much time for are slowly resurfacing - all I feel is restless. As cliche as it gets, you can't help yourself from looking back when you've come so far. And I have come so far. Anyone who has been through a dark phase in their lives and subsequently managed to pull themselves together and emerge as a better person would understand this: no matter how many times it seems like it's raining stones upon us, we're never really broken. Every time we hit the ground hard we grow an inch taller, readier to stand and face whatever's in our w...

Just one of those days when everything seems to be falling apart. You feel like picking a fight with everyone you talk to. You put off people who try to help. Those who tried gave up. Your eyes burn with indignation but yet you can't cry. Swallowing makes you wanna rip your throat out. Even breathing seems quite impossible. The air feels like acid. Words cut so deep into your skin. But still you don't feel like moving. You're just waiting for the pain to go away eventually. I guess I'm just having one of those days. I'll be okay.

My dear sweet enigma, Just when I thought I knew you like the back of my hand, you continue to surprise me. You never cease to astonish me with your adorable quirkiness. I love you - my happiness, my tender moonlight. Happy Valentine's Day.

Sometimes I am calm like the first ray of sunlight at dawn shimmering upon the sea. And sometimes, when I am not I am   a raging tempest tearing shores apart I am an earthquake  still and cold as I watch them crumble to dust I am the devouring fire from a dragon's breath searing the night, and lighting up the sky  - a burning red. I am the burn  that lingers in your eyes when you wake up  from crying yourself to sleep; The throbbing pain in your head from losing count of Jamesons you drowned in. Sometimes I am calm but sometimes, when I'm not - nessun dorma.

It's kinda funny when I look back on all my previous New Year posts. I'd list things that I would do throughout the year, and then live another 12 months to realise that I failed miserably again and again. So yeah, well, no more resolutions this time. 2014 was one of its kind, a simple and uneventful one. It wasn't phenomenal or fun-filled; but it wasn't all dark and depressing either. It came all too fast, and now it's gone in a blink. A few things to remember and to be thankful for: 1307 G13 - Peepul I have honestly never been in a class with people who are so different from each other, and I slowly came to appreciate how even though we're different, we stuck together from the beginning to the end. That alone, is amazing. Put the oddest bunch of kids together for a year and a half, I promise you'll be surprised. Also not to mention, Langkawi Class Trip!!! CAL Prom Night: Regalias My first prom ever! Spent a bomb but it w...

My bones ache In your absence. My fingers hurt From being clenched around pillows That I wish were you. I'd wake up everyday Two hundred miles away from your kisses huddle in bed and miss you more. I wish you were here Arms around me Stroking my hair While I gaze into your eyes And feel my lungs burn. I miss you, I miss you With every breath With every single beat of my heart.

   It all still seems so surreal like a dream your breath in my ear your skin against mine our fingers perfectly intertwined and when our eyes meet the galaxies cease to spin. And at that very moment, my darling, we  are infinite.

I had a feeling September was going to be pretty awesome.  And I guess it really is. :)

I'm okay. I'm not stuck to my seat all day cramming too much irrelevant crap into my collapsing cranium. I'm okay. my scapula does not hurt from bearing over my humerus weights of fear and unprecedented woes. There's a noose around my neck too close for comfort and my body hangs by a single thread. And yet, my knees are still intact my vertebrae straight as I stand and my ribs aren't broken although my lungs burn bit by bit, with every passing second. Still, I'm okay. Because really, I could be  feeling a lot worse.

...and this has me written all over it.

I think I've finally taken these masks That I've been wearing for too long off. And for once In a very long time I have never felt quite prettier. Thank you.

I don't think anyone could ever understand how messed up and tangled my thoughts become when I'm sad and depressed. I fear, and I fear fatuously of things that are out of my control. And when I do, a thousand voices haunt me in my head, and they intertwine and overwhelm me. Until I couldn't breathe. Until all I could do is cough and gasp for air. I wonder if anyone else feels that way, to be suffocated by their own thoughts. And it all starts when I'm back in my room, enclosed by walls. White for pessimism, gray for bleakness, and finally, blue for melancholy.  And that's the thing. I can't hide my emotions away from people and I hate it. I hate how people can just read my expressions so easily and that I'm no different from an open book. That's just it. I didn't choose to be morbid and emotional. I never asked for the twisted privilege of being able to overthink and overreact to almost everything that happens to me. I never wanted to be ...

There were nights when thunder bellowed through the windows and raindrops fell like silver coated darts she sat in bed, covers drawn lost in thought. There were nights when the shadows stirred nostalgia seeped through the ceilings and cascade  down the bedroom walls. Her nightmares haunted ghosts from her grotesque past faces she vowed to never see again. She would wake up  her screams echoing the room darkness fills her lungs limbs, too painful to move. Outside, street lights would not stop flickering the stars  were nowhere to be seen. And the night sky  a phantom black looming over her scars would soon devour her heart.