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A New Fire


Once every long while, I'll get so overwhelmed by thoughts that I end up trying to articulate them here. Sometimes I succeed, other times I stare at my blank screen and resort to giving up after some 30 minutes of idle fumbling on the keyboard.

But here I am again now, and hello once more. Settling down in a city far from home has been quite the thrill and less terrifying because after all I've grown so much since I last experienced the same transition. I wouldn't say it has been completely easy or smooth-sailing, but it is definitely worthwhile. Every second that I've spend working my way to get to this place, this time in my life - where I am now validates my efforts, big or small. Everyday I wake up being thankful for everything that I have and that is around me. It's all worth the wait.

Scratch all of that. That's shit. We all know I don't talk about these things. The deep, dark, morbid thoughts - that's who I really am. Life's purpose, our sole existence, the enigma of the universe; Inexplicability is my forte.

In these four months that I have been here, my mind has been in a horrific turmoil. One that I tried my best to mask from everyone around me. I wasn't sure myself what was in fact the problem, but nothing felt comfortable. I was skeptical about decisions I had made for myself, losing my head over little (almost nonexistent) obstacles that were in my way-- to where? I didn't know either. On the outside I was functioning just fine, heading to classes and meetings, racing to complete the immense load of coursework just like everyone else was; On the inside I was hardly recognizable. I questioned my motives, my purpose of doing what I am doing to the point that I was so afraid of waking up in the morning to face another day. I was clueless every passing second. Lying in bed at the end of the day felt like I would rather have maggots gnaw through my brain. I was lost, once again. So I sought for solace in people who are closest to me, gathered their opinions and slowly worked my way through the clutter in my head (if you're ever reading this, thank you thank you thank you). I was reminded of the million great things that I used to be, traits that I lost in the blur of trying to become somebody else just to prove that I can be better. Also, I know that I go through these self-doubting phases a lot, every now and then, I just have to work more to keep them from coming back. But for now, I'm just glad that this phase just ended and a new semester had just begun.

February will see the birth of a different side of me. If there is anything that I learned from the past few months, is that my fears are just tricks and illusions in my mind. None of them are worth my time cowering from. I hope this serves as an encouragement for anyone out there who has read up to this point. Even when no one else see it, you have to believe that you're strong enough to do and change anything that you put your mind to. That's what I'm doing from today. I will make a difference - first in myself, and then in the world.

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