Of heartbreaks and the unknown

Moon's high, light's low.

I'm sitting in my bed and thinking. About things. I've been doing a lot of sitting and thinking lately. Almost all the time my mind wanders off into space, and my heart starts sinking deeper and deeper into a void. This void, this blackness of a cavern. Funny enough, I know what it is and where it came from.

I ask myself the same question everyday, over and over, until it hurts to even mentally mouth the words: Why am I here in this messed up world? What have I done (or not done) to be forced to internalise so much pain and injustice? How can people live as though they belong when they've done so many others wrong? And most importantly, am I overthinking this yet again?

There was a point in time where I had so much hope in me my eyes gleamed. My blood burned bright red and my veins lit up like fireworks. Every single day, I felt like an infinite surge of electricity was coursing through me and that anything that I touched would glow in perfection. And even for my standards, things did glow. But after all the confetti and champagne after the euphoria, who stays to see what's left of the room?

All I know is, after a high there will always be a low. It's a confusing time because I shuffle between contentment and anxiousness while I try to push through each day. Everyday I walk the streets with no flame in my eyes. Gone was the head full of passion, drifted away with the autumn leaves, buried in the winter cold.

And now, my eyes are heavy.

Comments

Yayasan Khazanah: First & Second Stage

Undeniably, scholarships and I tend to have rather... complicated relationships. The first one I applied for (and a quite prestigious one for heaven's sake) didn't qualify because reckless little me missed out one of the application procedures. I'm still beating myself up for that. And then there was Taylor's Principal Awards where I was awarded with 10 thousand MYR worth of tuition wee waiver for selected Pre-University Courses. Considering my current financial abilities, I turned it down because as honoured as I am to be holding a TPA, the remaining uncovered fees (not to mention living costs) were still far from what my family could afford. I didn't get the PETRONAS scholarship, neither did I make it to the 3rd stage of Yayasan Khazanah (YK). I say, failures are a sign of you're getting closer to what you want, so let's rejoice. Back to where I started, I was about to write about what I've learned during the interview processes of YK - Stag

BGF Youth Connection Session

Things you dislike about yourself: 1. I put too much pressure on myself 2. My expectations are too high 3. I can't manage my emotions well 4. I have an unhealthy tendency to belittle myself Things I love about myself: 1. I am disciplined 2. I try as much as I can to stay optimistic 3. Sometimes, I'm just plain awesome Things I did today that are positive: 1. Met new people 2. Reunited with high school friends 3. Enjoyed the YCS session 4. Had some really good almond cake Positive things that you see in others: 1. Positivity 2. Ability to cope well with studies 3. Confidence 4. Skillfulness 5. Effective self-management YCS was really good and I'm glad I accepted the invitation. Ending this with something I learned today: ALL, is well.

You

You told me You could see galaxies spiraling in my eyes that I was the silver trail of moonlight in your darkest night. I tore my walls down and grew a garden that bloomed into vivid colours so we could dance among the flowers. Heaven once felt so seamless until it began to crack and all the stars we counted faded into black. It's funny how when you're sprawled helplessly on the ground gasping for air the deafening silence sets in; you can hear your heart shatter and your soul dissolves into the bloody red mess that is you.

Don't Blink 2.0

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