Perfection

I've always felt like I'm constantly standing on a brink, a verge of life that determines my ultimate fate. Who I choose to become, the decisions I make, the principles that I uphold would greatly alter my course. And I keep reminding myself to be extra cautious.

This is the problem, now: I don't know who I am. 

I have lived through 19 years trying to figure out what purpose I serve and where exactly I belong. All this while, am I making correct choices or am I just too blinded to realise my mistakes? I'm lost, I admit. I cry myself to sleep every night, and wake up just as troubled. It doesn't change. I have so many flaws that I try to fix everyday but they never seem to heal, so many broken pieces that I try to mend but they won't fall into place. I just keep falling apart, falling apart, falling apart. Nothing ever changes.

But I believe in perfection. Always have, always will.

I believe humans are continuously in search of a perfect place. A sanctuary, a heaven. And the journey takes a lifetime. You will search for yourself through education, and then from experience and from the people you cross paths with. And then through the ups and downs, the things that break you, yet still there will be things that keep you on your feet to keep searching. That place is where you finally belong. By then you will have understood life itself, and become the person that you've always wanted yourself to be. 

I want to be in that place so badly. To shake problems off easily, to not care about what I care because all they do is break me. I still haven't found myself. I don't know how am I supposed to do it, but I will. Someday I will.

I'll just leave this hanging.

I bleed too much.

And I am too fainthearted to take in all the overwhelming emotions every night.

No more, please. 

Stop caring.