Skip to main content

Perfection

I've always felt like I'm constantly standing on a brink, a verge of life that determines my ultimate fate. Who I choose to become, the decisions I make, the principles that I uphold would greatly alter my course. And I keep reminding myself to be extra cautious.

This is the problem, now: I don't know who I am. 

I have lived through 19 years trying to figure out what purpose I serve and where exactly I belong. All this while, am I making correct choices or am I just too blinded to realise my mistakes? I'm lost, I admit. I cry myself to sleep every night, and wake up just as troubled. It doesn't change. I have so many flaws that I try to fix everyday but they never seem to heal, so many broken pieces that I try to mend but they won't fall into place. I just keep falling apart, falling apart, falling apart. Nothing ever changes.

But I believe in perfection. Always have, always will.

I believe humans are continuously in search of a perfect place. A sanctuary, a heaven. And the journey takes a lifetime. You will search for yourself through education, and then from experience and from the people you cross paths with. And then through the ups and downs, the things that break you, yet still there will be things that keep you on your feet to keep searching. That place is where you finally belong. By then you will have understood life itself, and become the person that you've always wanted yourself to be. 

I want to be in that place so badly. To shake problems off easily, to not care about what I care because all they do is break me. I still haven't found myself. I don't know how am I supposed to do it, but I will. Someday I will.

I'll just leave this hanging.
I bleed too much.
And I am too fainthearted to take in all the overwhelming emotions every night.

No more, please. 
Stop caring.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Yayasan Khazanah: First & Second Stage

Undeniably, scholarships and I tend to have rather... complicated relationships. The first one I applied for (and a quite prestigious one for heaven's sake) didn't qualify because reckless little me missed out one of the application procedures. I'm still beating myself up for that. And then there was Taylor's Principal Awards where I was awarded with 10 thousand MYR worth of tuition wee waiver for selected Pre-University Courses. Considering my current financial abilities, I turned it down because as honoured as I am to be holding a TPA, the remaining uncovered fees (not to mention living costs) were still far from what my family could afford. I didn't get the PETRONAS scholarship, neither did I make it to the 3rd stage of Yayasan Khazanah (YK). I say, failures are a sign of you're getting closer to what you want, so let's rejoice.  Back to where I started, I was about to write about what I've learned during the interview processes of YK - Stag...

BGF Youth Connection Session

Things you dislike about yourself: 1. I put too much pressure on myself 2. My expectations are too high 3. I can't manage my emotions well 4. I have an  unhealthy tendency to belittle myself Things I love about myself:  1. I am disciplined 2. I try as much as I can to stay optimistic 3. Sometimes, I'm just plain awesome Things I did today that are positive: 1. Met new people 2. Reunited with high school friends 3. Enjoyed the YCS session 4. Had some really good almond cake Positive things that you see in others:  1. Positivity 2. Ability to cope well with studies 3. Confidence 4. Skillfulness 5. Effective self-management YCS was really good and I'm glad I accepted the invitation. Ending this with something I learned today:  ALL, is well. 

Yet Another Door Opens

It has been an awful long while since the last time I found myself sitting in front of my laptop, wanting nothing else but some peace and alone time. All this while I've been occupied, physically and mentally, so much that letting myself sink into thoughts seemed like a little too much to ask for. Right now less than 24 hours before I get on a plane and embark on a journey unknown, words are flowing, thoughts that I haven't had much time for are slowly resurfacing - all I feel is restless. As cliche as it gets, you can't help yourself from looking back when you've come so far. And I have come so far. Anyone who has been through a dark phase in their lives and subsequently managed to pull themselves together and emerge as a better person would understand this: no matter how many times it seems like it's raining stones upon us, we're never really broken. Every time we hit the ground hard we grow an inch taller, readier to stand and face whatever's in our w...