Don't Blink 2.0

Once every long while, I'll get so overwhelmed by thoughts that I end up trying to articulate them here. Sometimes I succeed, other times I stare at my blank screen and resort to giving up after some 30 minutes of idle fumbling on the keyboard. But here I am again now, and hello once more. Settling down in a city far from home has been quite the thrill and less terrifying because after all I've grown so much since I last experienced the same transition. I wouldn't say it has been completely easy or smooth-sailing, but it is definitely worthwhile. Every second that I've spend working my way to get to this place, this time in my life - where I am now validates my efforts, big or small. Everyday I wake up being thankful for everything that I have and that is around me. It's all worth the wait. Scratch all of that. That's shit. We all know I don't talk about these things. The deep, dark, morbid thoughts - that's who I really am. Life's purpo...

I wish the echoes would stop ringing. In my mind. In my mind. My mind. Nothing escapes the labyrinth of these tangled emotions. There is no way out. No way out. Does the pain ever leave? Not at all. Not at all.

You know you screwed up when you look into his eyes and see nothing but disappointment. The moment he stands up and walks out the door, you feel a wave of guilt and void hit you right in the face. The realization that all you've ever done is drive everyone else away from you and when someone offers to care for you unconditionally, you whimper and cower away. I held on to the thought that we're different from the rest. That we're perfect for each other because we compliment each others' flaws. Where I was insecure and worried, you are the radiant pillar of strength that I would draw confidence and comfort from. You have always managed to fill the emptiness in me, and I felt so complete. You are the perfect, beautiful soul that you are, when I have countless of flaws that needed fixing. All I needed was for you to be patient. Little did I know that this bliss would be short-lived, and distance is the single most painful thing to endure when you love someone this much....

This numbness again the wound in your conscience when it hurts so much you don't want to feel anymore. I am everywhere in the stale air you breathe. I will gnaw at your bones and never let go.  Because I'm a tumour. Deeper, and deeper I will grow until I kill you.

It has been an awful long while since the last time I found myself sitting in front of my laptop, wanting nothing else but some peace and alone time. All this while I've been occupied, physically and mentally, so much that letting myself sink into thoughts seemed like a little too much to ask for. Right now less than 24 hours before I get on a plane and embark on a journey unknown, words are flowing, thoughts that I haven't had much time for are slowly resurfacing - all I feel is restless. As cliche as it gets, you can't help yourself from looking back when you've come so far. And I have come so far. Anyone who has been through a dark phase in their lives and subsequently managed to pull themselves together and emerge as a better person would understand this: no matter how many times it seems like it's raining stones upon us, we're never really broken. Every time we hit the ground hard we grow an inch taller, readier to stand and face whatever's in our w...

Just one of those days when everything seems to be falling apart. You feel like picking a fight with everyone you talk to. You put off people who try to help. Those who tried gave up. Your eyes burn with indignation but yet you can't cry. Swallowing makes you wanna rip your throat out. Even breathing seems quite impossible. The air feels like acid. Words cut so deep into your skin. But still you don't feel like moving. You're just waiting for the pain to go away eventually. I guess I'm just having one of those days. I'll be okay.

My dear sweet enigma, Just when I thought I knew you like the back of my hand, you continue to surprise me. You never cease to astonish me with your adorable quirkiness. I love you - my happiness, my tender moonlight. Happy Valentine's Day.