Don't Blink 2.0

Can you believe it's been more than a year? So much has changed since then, and yet it all feels so familiar. They say the delight you reap from chasing after your dreams is the euphoria and the sweet nectar of satisfaction, the joy within from seeing the ones you love and cherish grow along with you, and the happiness in yourself knowing that no matter what you do - they will always have your back. I always thought that was true. Hell, I knew it was true because I felt it at some point. I felt impenetrable from so much trust and foothold that came from around me. Maybe it was the fatigue after the sweet rush of sugar had faded, maybe it's just me losing control or losing sight of what really matters, but things kept spiraling downwards and downwards and now I don't even know if there's an end to this tunnel anymore. I would say I wish things were different, but honestly, I don't think there's any more space left for hope in me. It's okay, my heart&#

You told me You could see galaxies spiraling in my eyes that I was the silver trail of moonlight in your darkest night. I tore my walls down and grew a garden that bloomed into vivid colours so we could dance among the flowers. Heaven once felt so seamless until it began to crack and all the stars we counted faded into black. It's funny how when you're sprawled helplessly on the ground gasping for air the deafening silence sets in; you can hear your heart shatter and your soul dissolves into the bloody red mess that is you.

Once every long while, I'll get so overwhelmed by thoughts that I end up trying to articulate them here. Sometimes I succeed, other times I stare at my blank screen and resort to giving up after some 30 minutes of idle fumbling on the keyboard. But here I am again now, and hello once more. Settling down in a city far from home has been quite the thrill and less terrifying because after all I've grown so much since I last experienced the same transition. I wouldn't say it has been completely easy or smooth-sailing, but it is definitely worthwhile. Every second that I've spend working my way to get to this place, this time in my life - where I am now validates my efforts, big or small. Everyday I wake up being thankful for everything that I have and that is around me. It's all worth the wait. Scratch all of that. That's shit. We all know I don't talk about these things. The deep, dark, morbid thoughts - that's who I really am. Life's purpo

I wish the echoes would stop ringing. In my mind. In my mind. My mind. Nothing escapes the labyrinth of these tangled emotions. There is no way out. No way out. Does the pain ever leave? Not at all. Not at all.

You know you screwed up when you look into his eyes and see nothing but disappointment. The moment he stands up and walks out the door, you feel a wave of guilt and void hit you right in the face. The realization that all you've ever done is drive everyone else away from you and when someone offers to care for you unconditionally, you whimper and cower away. I held on to the thought that we're different from the rest. That we're perfect for each other because we compliment each others' flaws. Where I was insecure and worried, you are the radiant pillar of strength that I would draw confidence and comfort from. You have always managed to fill the emptiness in me, and I felt so complete. You are the perfect, beautiful soul that you are, when I have countless of flaws that needed fixing. All I needed was for you to be patient. Little did I know that this bliss would be short-lived, and distance is the single most painful thing to endure when you love someone this much.

This numbness again the wound in your conscience when it hurts so much you don't want to feel anymore. I am everywhere in the stale air you breathe. I will gnaw at your bones and never let go.  Because I'm a tumour. Deeper, and deeper I will grow until I kill you.