Don't Blink 2.0

Things you dislike about yourself: 1. I put too much pressure on myself 2. My expectations are too high 3. I can't manage my emotions well 4. I have an  unhealthy tendency to belittle myself Things I love about myself:  1. I am disciplined 2. I try as much as I can to stay optimistic 3. Sometimes, I'm just plain awesome Things I did today that are positive: 1. Met new people 2. Reunited with high school friends 3. Enjoyed the YCS session 4. Had some really good almond cake Positive things that you see in others:  1. Positivity 2. Ability to cope well with studies 3. Confidence 4. Skillfulness 5. Effective self-management YCS was really good and I'm glad I accepted the invitation. Ending this with something I learned today:  ALL, is well. 

1. How to stay happy 2. Why am I still alive 3. If I'm ever going to be myself again. I can't find a reason. Please stay.

This just sums it all up. Well, maybe not all, but still what I've always wanted to say but couldn't find the right words to. Fuck the distance.

Be warned, when it comes to writing and organizing thoughts, I'm an absolute sucker. And the amount of times I repeat that statement is just ridiculous. Read, and forget. Ever have the feeling that everyone around you is so much better and you just feel like hiding under the bed and never come out again? When everyone's having a great time in life, enjoying every moment - and you're just blindly stuck at one dead end worrying about the same problems over and over again? Why do I keep feeling that way? Today's Thursday, six days since I'm back home. I'm leaving on Saturday. And what have I done so far? A glance at my to-do list, I see a number of tasks crossed out. But why do I feel like I've done absolutely nothing? I'm so depressed I can't think of anything but to keep studying. It's raining and I hate the rain. Stupid messed up thoughts, I'll get rid of you soon. I want things to change.

Wandering through my sea of thoughts, I stumbled upon a quote I used to always remind myself with:  Everything will be okay in the end. My instinct tells me that things would be very different from now. Since I opted to join a servicing club, I guess hectic schedules are inevitable. Deep down, something tells me I'm going to enjoy every bit of my time. However, the realist in me warns otherwise - to be an all rounder, to balance extra-curricular activities and academics is not an easy task. Time management plays a crucial role. Fail at it and everything could go wrong in every possible way.  I'm scared. But fear is not an enemy, it's a force that pushes us forward to strive and achieve. It is a voice inside our head that whispers the worst but offers the most glorious victory in the end. So it's okay to fear, but don't fear fear.  Embrace it, and sit back for the ride.

We grow up and grow old, trudging through life and learning lessons as we do. Often, we fall and hit ourselves hard, and bruises would leave us questioning ourselves: Have I done this right? Is this the right choice to make? Should I move forward, or turn into another path? Questions like these never guarantee immediate or even right answers and we all know it well. Instead of staying down licking our wounds, we get up, leave our comfort zone to make way for fresh challenges, recreate and reinvent ourselves to fit into the new crowd. It would be a tough transition, they say, and I could never deny it. From home to hostel, every emotional attachment you've had in the past surges back onto you after the first tedious night. You wake up in the morning after a long night of tossing in that unfamiliar bed just to realize nothing will be the same anymore. It could be the start of something amazing, but it just as well might be a pathway down to Hell. Nonetheless, these uncertai...

We were walking down the street, now in the depth of winter, covered in snow. You were almost too confident, brushing your shoes on the thick coat of snow as my sight diverged. Anxiety trailed along a thin streak of tear that rolled down my face, and then I lowered my head just to hide it away from you. Our footsteps seemed surreal. Have we walked so far just to part? Why am I always the one who stands and wave? Why does everyone turn away from me? P.S. This was written such a long time ago I forgot what triggered me. I previously thought departing would be easy, when I had nothing to hold on to, and I wanted so badly to leave. Don't get me wrong, I still want it desperately, but would my departure make an impact? Would things still remain the same when I return? C'est la vie. I say, you'll never know if you never try.