Sleepless Nights

I really shouldn't be here, but if I would ever listen to myself I'll be much more happier than I am right now.

But I'm not.

So here goes.

If it weren't for the company I had at that moment I would've broken down into tears. I wish I could find words to describe how being depressed felt like, but then who would understand? Or more importantly, who would actually make an effort to understand how I feel? Maybe I'm overreacting again, but yes, sometimes it feels like I give too much just to get nothing in return. But no matter how hard I try to be a better person, I keep failing. I disappoint people. Friends, family, and even myself.

I'm sick of explaining my intentions. I hate misunderstandings.

When you're an outcast, you'll always be an outcast. And once a failure, always a failure, too.

It's like last year all over again. Getting accused of something you wouldn't do by someone who means so much to you. But it's different this time. It's worse.

I wish I wasn't human, I wish I wasn't so easily wavered by my emotions, I wish my emotions would remain dormant for as long as I want. But from a different perspective, I'm glad I'm emotional sometimes, because that's one way of proving that I still care. And it's worth everything I have to go through.

I count the times I apologized, the times I try my best to overlook your flaws. Because who am I to tell you you're wrong? I can't even save myself, let alone judge anyone else.

It's getting late, and I can feel my headache coming back. All I know is no matter how hard I try, I suck at being a friend.

You won't forgive me. I will never forgive myself either.

Good night.

I wish I was dead.

Comments

Yayasan Khazanah: First & Second Stage

Undeniably, scholarships and I tend to have rather... complicated relationships. The first one I applied for (and a quite prestigious one for heaven's sake) didn't qualify because reckless little me missed out one of the application procedures. I'm still beating myself up for that. And then there was Taylor's Principal Awards where I was awarded with 10 thousand MYR worth of tuition wee waiver for selected Pre-University Courses. Considering my current financial abilities, I turned it down because as honoured as I am to be holding a TPA, the remaining uncovered fees (not to mention living costs) were still far from what my family could afford. I didn't get the PETRONAS scholarship, neither did I make it to the 3rd stage of Yayasan Khazanah (YK). I say, failures are a sign of you're getting closer to what you want, so let's rejoice. Back to where I started, I was about to write about what I've learned during the interview processes of YK - Stag

BGF Youth Connection Session

Things you dislike about yourself: 1. I put too much pressure on myself 2. My expectations are too high 3. I can't manage my emotions well 4. I have an unhealthy tendency to belittle myself Things I love about myself: 1. I am disciplined 2. I try as much as I can to stay optimistic 3. Sometimes, I'm just plain awesome Things I did today that are positive: 1. Met new people 2. Reunited with high school friends 3. Enjoyed the YCS session 4. Had some really good almond cake Positive things that you see in others: 1. Positivity 2. Ability to cope well with studies 3. Confidence 4. Skillfulness 5. Effective self-management YCS was really good and I'm glad I accepted the invitation. Ending this with something I learned today: ALL, is well.

You

You told me You could see galaxies spiraling in my eyes that I was the silver trail of moonlight in your darkest night. I tore my walls down and grew a garden that bloomed into vivid colours so we could dance among the flowers. Heaven once felt so seamless until it began to crack and all the stars we counted faded into black. It's funny how when you're sprawled helplessly on the ground gasping for air the deafening silence sets in; you can hear your heart shatter and your soul dissolves into the bloody red mess that is you.

Don't Blink 2.0

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